


As Fast as I Can

by impaladreams (Bethgingles)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drabble, Love Confession, M/M, Post-Purgatory Dean, Season 8 Coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 14:05:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4182696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bethgingles/pseuds/impaladreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Cas? I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you can hear me. </p>
<p>You know I'm not one for prayin', much less hoping. But you've been gone a while and while you've been gone I've realized three things."</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Fast as I Can

**Author's Note:**

> This is only my second fic ever so comments/constructive criticism   
>  are very much appreciated.

"Cas? I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you can hear me. 

You know I'm not one for prayin', much less hoping. But you've been gone a while and while you've been gone I've realized three things. 

The first is that when you're gone I don't talk as much. I don't know if it's your voice that's missing or just your presence, yea know? It's just when your beside me I feel calm and with you gone the restlessness comes back and I don't know how to tell Sam about it or how it makes me feel because I know in my heart and most importantly my head that you're the only one I want to talk to. I feel restless because I don't know how I can help you. This time is different, right? There's no fighting till my fist are bloody and there's guts on my clothes. I can't get you back by fightin'. But I'm not sure I know anything else. I want to be able to know another way, but the only person that could teach me one is you. I want you back so bad Cas.

The second thing is that my father wasn't always right. I'm not tryin' to ruin his memory or anything but the man had his faults. Right after Sammy left for college he told me that he was proud of me. Proud of me for choosing the hunting life, for not leaving him all alone. My decision to stay a hunter wasn't to make my dad proud, sure that was part of it but the main reason I chose to stay was because it was easy. I've always been one for the easy way out. Saving Sam, saving the world, saving you, those are easy decisions. I never thought twice about it. But standing up to my old man? I don't think I could do that. Not back then anyway. I'm not saying I'm a coward I'm just- I guess that's exactly what I'm saying, actually. To be honest with you I never wanted to be a hunter, yeah I'm good at it, maybe the best. But deep down, really deep down I've always wanted the apple pie life you know? I want to be able to drive the impala up the driveway of a two-story brick house and open the door to find you- my partner waiting at the door to kiss me and ask how my day at work was. Maybe I don't deserve that anymore, maybe I never did. Like everything I've ever done has been in service of someone else and nothing I have done is to make me feel better- to make me better. I want to be better Cas. I want to be good for you.

The third thing is that I know I've called you my friend, my brother or even buddy, but it never quite felt right. I knew it wasn't right and I think you knew it too. I wasn't wrong about you being family though. You'll always be family. When I found you in purgatory, after what seemed like months searching for you with Benny, I just wanted to wrap you in my arms and kiss you senseless. But I'm a coward, so I didn't. 

You didn't see your face Cas, so broken and helpless. I just wanted to hold you in my arms and make it all better, because that's what I do, I try to fix all the things I break. I've lost count of how many times I've broken myself by breaking someone I, someone I really care about. I care about you Cas. Probably more than I should, no, definitely more than I should. I need you to fight for me Cas because I can't stand the thought that you could give up. I can't stand the thought of never seeing you again, of never having the chance to stop being such a goddamn coward and tell you that-that I love you. I love you Cas and every minute that I don't know for sure that your safe and happy, I'm unhappy. You make me happy Cas. I need you. I need you to fight just a little longer for me because I'm gonna get you the hell outta there. I'm coming for you as fast as I can."

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr and send me prompts ;). http://myimpaladreams.tumblr.com


End file.
